So in much of Mormon culture, dating isn’t considered something just for fun, or just to meet people. At least not after you turn 18. While the men go and serve their mandatory 2 year mission, women are allowed to serve an 18 month mission, however after they get home… the next step is to find an “eternal companion”. AKA get married. I didn’t sever an 18 month mission, I went straight to college. Which is not frowned upon for women. However, since they day I left for school, the primary focus was to date, a lot, get married, have a family. Let me tell ya, this has messed with me so much. Because the church focuses on marriage and being parents so much. I developed an interesting insecurity that most people have as teenagers. I developed the thought that if I don’t have a steady boyfriend, if I am not thinking about marrying someone, I am unworthy and alone. This mixed with bipolar disorder had interesting effects on my mental health. While I was still trying to be this good Mormon girl my parents always wanted, I developed habits, in relationships, such as always thinking worst case scenario. When I don’t have a boyfriend talking to me, I think “oh they have given up on me” or “they got hurt and are in the hospital”, or my favorite “they are with another girl, who is better and prettier than me”.
Does any of this sound familiar? Like High school relationship familiar? Well I was 19 when this started happening. Once I finally started to get out from under the wing of the church, dating go easier. I got better at trying to not be insecure. And I have had some great friendships develop from not having a romantic relationship with that person. However, because I as told for so long that being married is the only way to go to heave, or be happy on Earth. I panic sometimes. I get stressed with life, and the poor guy that i care about so much, gets spooked because he is busy for half the day and I don’t hear from him. I cannot tell you how many guys get scared away by a freak out like that. And then afterwards, even if the guy assures me its all good, and “we’re fine”. In the back of my mind I still can’t fully trust I didn’t scare him off. Even if he has never lied before, I keep thinking, but now he is.
I think we can all admit that ghosting is uncool. But I think I have only been ghosted twice. Once by my fiance, whew, that was fun… And the second time by a guy I am actually currently seeing again. Those 2 experiences mixed in with years of brain washing are what led to my freak out I had just yesterday. While I was spiraling, I didn’t ever register that I was indeed freaking out. Which of course freaked my guy out. I explained why I freaked out, and he said it made sense. And he says we are good. Trusting is hard. But I am trying.
So basically, I am having to relearn how dating is supposed to be. Fun, light, enjoyable, and about finding peace with not only who you are, but with someone who likes you as you are. I think the hardest part for me is remembering that you won’t marry all the people you date. And you don’t have to think about marriage when you first start dating someone.
How did you adjust to dating after you left the church?
I lived a Lie for Too Long 