My Story

I know that everyone in life has a story, and like mine they aren’t always the best. But I am finally breaking free of the source of my unhappiness. I was raised in the Mormon church. Not the polygamist one, but the one that has always preached acceptance and God’s full love. But in my experience, it has always been a church that leads by fear of man. I joined the church when I was 12. My parents were both members but they wanted to let us “choose” if we wanted to be apart of the church. How does a 12 year old know if they want to be a part of an “organization” that she barely knows anything about. (Reminder just because you join the church, doesn’t mean you are given all the information about the church.) So I made that decision. I was baptized, I went to church, I went to classes, I went to activities. And I had never felt more on the outside. I wasn’t aloud to talk about some of my family, because they were “living in sin” (gay, left the church, did drugs, or all 3) I was constantly living in fear of the simple things in life. Some of which were being curious about sex, not wanting to go to church sometimes, unsure of what I actually believed, and mostly my parents. Not because they hit me or neglected me, but because if you don’t fit in the Mormon box you are shamed and guilted. And my parents were pros at that game. So when I got into high school, I rebelled against it all but in secret. As one of my friends say, they teach young people how to lie. When my parents found out it was because I was pregnant. They said horrible things to me, bullied me into a corner where I had nobody who cared for me. When I lost they baby, they moved me to another state and told me I was never aloud to talk to the people I grew up with. I was alone completely. My parents treated me like shit. Me being 17 and all alone I did everything they asked me to. I did everything I had to, to have them in my corner again. Thats when I started re living a lie. I shoved everything I questioned into a box, and lied to myself so hard that I believed it didn’t exist. I left for BYU-I in 2016. There everything I had felt when I was 12 came back. Including the feeling of being alone and depressed. Ya’ll should look it up. Percentages of teen to young adult depression in the Mormon Church. Slowly I continued in school, I did really well. But I also realized the freedom I had. I used that freedom to escape. At first just hours at a time. I was always being watched. Anyone I met I had to test the waters to see if I could be myself. Those people who I could be myself with were few and far between at first. But slowly I found more and more. 3 years after I started here I am. So close to graduation that I still have to pretend to be “good”. Well Mormon good. But I have some pretty awesome people, people I love dearly, that I am so much like. I am myself, happy and free with them. and because of that I am starting to really Break free. 1 semester left and I am out, free, and I will be totally ME.