Limbo

So as much as it makes me so happy to say I am out of the church. I am in limbo. I have my friends that are out that I enjoy being around and talking to. My guy is out and it is amazing to have him in my life. But, I am still at BYU-I so I am a little stuck. I do everything I have to do to stay in school here, and I do everything I have to do to be true to myself. Sadly, the two do not merge well in some places.

But it is okay, I have 6 months left until I can be fully out, and never have to look back again. The phrase “light at the end of the tunnel” really holds true for me. I can see the finish line. I can see where the road to the rest of my life turns. One final cliche, the last leg of this journey will be the hardest.

Since deciding that I wanted to leave the church completely, I have been challenged by some sticky situations. One of which is the fear that I will definitely disappoint my parents. And as I have mentioned before, my parents don’t scare me because of physical abuse, but because they are masters at manipulation and guilt tactics. They know just the right thing to say to break me down into that person that is so insecure that she truly believes, she is nothing without her parents backing her.

That’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid to be broken down the same way I have for years. But every time I get that freedom, from my parents, from the church, from fear, I feel open, and myself, and safe. Safe, if you have not been able to feel it in a long time, is relieving, awing, peaceful. And I had long forgotten what that was like

This limbo i am in, is a place where I am doing my best to be me, but also trying to be the person my parents ask me to be. I wish it was the same person, but it never will be. So I am having to let go of one of them. And, luckily for me, its my true self that i am choosing. I will fully choose her, when I become her.

Maybe that doesn’t make sense. Maybe I should fully choose her now. But I will tell you what, the person I am becoming, is someone my guy likes, my true friends like, but mostly she is someone I like.