I have anxiety. Millions of people worldwide struggle with it. But it affects us all differently. Anxiety Disorders affect 18.1 percent of adults in the United States (approximately 40 million adults between the ages of 18 to 54). – National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). … It’s estimated that one third of the North American adult population experiences anxiety unwellness issues. (https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-statistics-information.shtml)
That means that 1 in 3 American adults suffers from anxiety. Long-term anxiety and panic attacks can cause your brain to release stress hormones on a regular basis. This can increase the frequency of symptoms such as headaches, dizziness, and depression.
For me I have social anxiety, I can have panic attacks which symptoms range from discomfort to labored breathing and heart palpitations. But as I have mentioned before it also effects my relationships. The feeling of insecurity based on past experiences or even current situations, can cause “freak outs”. Much like the ones I have mentioned before. Its funny when I think about how it all turned into a major issue.
When I would get worried about people I care about, I used to say “hmm whats the worst thing that could happen?” and I would go through a list. Then I would say “whats the best thing that could happen” and I would have that list. It was a coping mechanism that I had. And it worked pretty well. But the longer I did that, the longer the “bad” lists got. Especially with someone I cared about or even loved. The worst thing I could ever get to would be “leave me, because I’m not worth it”. The nervousness would come so often that I was constantly wondering “what would it take for you to leave me”. And then that list started. At first I only thought of big things, but that changed too. It changed to little things I didn’t like about myself, that I thought everyone else noticed too. Mix that with my depression, and it led to some pretty dark stuff. But it changed again, from being just with people I really cared about, to random people just seeing me around. When that happened, an increasing number of times, I started to feel like everyone who looked my way hated me for some reason. Like every inch of me was on display. I developed a stutter when I was in public. Granted I know people with stutters way more noticeable and constant than mine. (Drew Lynch is one of the funniest comedians I know and he has a stutter)
But I noticed it, so it made me feel more uncomfortable. It got to the point of I can spend an hour around people, and then I need to be by myself for 2 hours, just to “bounce back”. On the really bad days, I don’t leave my apartment, and I hide from my roommates. But I am trying to deal with it. Trying to cope. Trying to stop myself from playing worst case scenario. But its a struggle.
The hope is that one day I will be able to sustain a relationship. But right now… I know I have no business being in one. (But that is hard at “BYU-I Do” I am constantly asked by family and friends, “who are you dating” )
So “my guy” if you are reading this… I know I pushed too far, I know I freaked out. I know that I overthink and get needy. And I know my anxiety is too much for me to handle, let alone you to handle. So I am working on that. But I could use my friend back. The one who tells me to relax, and helps me be comfortable being me, just by being you. I miss you.
I lived a Lie for Too Long 