As most people in the church have been taught, if you are following the commandments, and the teachings of the prophets you will find happiness and peace. And it is when you stray that you are swallowed up with guilt and fear, and unhappiness. But I will tell you that before I was 16. I did everything right. I was living the gospel to a T. But I still felt like I was wrong. That I was worthless, that I didn’t deserve life. And again for a few years, while trying to win back my parents, win back the Spirit, I felt empty, and worthless, and broken. I was doing everything by the book. And I was told that “when I was right with God, I would feel happiness, that I would feel the spirit again.” But that feeling never came.
I struggled with what I thought was depression from a very young age. Every so often it would go away and I would feel on top of the world. When I would feel better, that’s when I would “sin”. This wasn’t because the depression went away for awhile because i was being “good”. And it wouldn’t come back because I was being “bad”. It was coming and going because I have Bipolar Disorder. Misdiagnosed as just depression. And I was always told by my parents, by my church leaders, that the more faithful I would be, the better I would feel. That wasn’t the case, but that’s how I was living. When I would finally feel “better” I started sleeping around. I started staying awake for days. I started doing risky things because I felt like God was helping me feel better, and I felt like doing those things so it must be good. But it was bad for me. I wasn’t bad, but I was sick. I still am. I still struggle with it. But even here at school, when I have a diagnosis, my church leaders tell me that if I push myself to be around people more often, my social anxiety will go away. Yeah, lets force the person who feels like she has to be alone for hours after a social event, to be around more people. They also tell me that the place I should be when I am feeling down is church. But when I go to church I feel like I am being forced to believe the same thing as everyone else. that the things that make me, me are bad. That the only way to believe in God, and it be “right and true” is to do exactly as we are told no questions asked. When I feel better I am still told it is because I am finally right with God. And I am not the only one.
Everyone with a mental illness is told that if you just try to be happy, if you just try to follow the commandments, you will get better. Depression, anxiety, Bipolar, schizophrenic, etc. All of these things, that are not our fault, are pushed to the side and said “just turn to God and it will be better”. That isn’t the answer. There are talks, where church leaders say, “accept those who have mental illnesses, show them love” Like it wasn’t a previous notion. Like they have to be commanded to do it, just to accept it.
One of the worst parts for me, is that my parents know about my diagnosis. They try to understand it. But, when I have a bad day or even week, when they don’t like the decisions I make for myself as an adult, they blame the disorder. If I am not going on dates, I am getting too depressed and I need to get more medication. If I go on too many dates, especially if they don’t like the guys, then I am in a Manic cycle and I am being provocative. I have a diagnosis, but that doesn’t mean, especially when I am on a balanced medication, that my whole life is ruled by the disorder.
I know others feel this way. I know others have their stories. I know that others have advice. So tell me your stories, experiences, advice. How do you see your disorders, or diagnosis, now that you are out of the church? Or how do you see it, never being apart of the church?
I lived a Lie for Too Long 