So I have a few super good friends, that I love and care about so much. One of which is a TBM (True Blue Mormon). Since I have been actively seeking out ways to leave the church, and people who have left the church as a support system, I have realized that there is so much more than the bubble I have been in for so long. Of course, I knew there was more, but I hadn’t actually talked to anyone who had left the church except, some of my siblings. My siblings really never talked about how they felt leaving the church, but talking to this new group of people, I have found that they are all way happier now, than they were when they were in the church. The trouble I have been having is that these friends, that are TBM, are people I would never want to cut out of my life, but I fear that they might cut me out when they find out I have left the church.
But my best friend wanted to know what was on my mind. So I told him. I started with the hard time I have been having with “my guy” and how we aren’t talking anymore, at all. But then I got to my decision to leave the church. I told him that I wanted him to stay quiet until I was done talking. and he did.
I explained that my whole life I have felt forced to believe what my parents did, or my friends did. That it has always been a struggle to fit the mold, that I was not made out of. I was taught that my natural instincts were wrong and I had to overcome them to be “righteous”. And that since I have made up my mind to leave, I have finally felt the peace that I had been searching for. And that I felt like I could finally be myself, be happy, and that who I am is someone to be celebrated.
By the time I stopped talking I was in tears, and I couldn’t look at my friend. We sat in silence for a bit, until he pulled me into a hug and he said, “there is nothing wrong with finding the thing that makes you happy, and I would never judge you for that” That took me by surprise. I thought for sure he would try to convince me to stay with the church, that he would hate me for saying anything bad about the church he so completely believes in. But he embraced me with love and friendship. And I know that it was true. I also know that he is an anomaly. I know that my parents will not react the same way, that it will be a fight. But I know that I have someone rooting for me to be happy, and that’s what I need.
Just because I cried, or I am scared to tell people, does not mean that I am feeling guilty about my choice. Trust me this is what I want and I am happy with it. I cry and am nervous because I am afraid that people’s love for me is conditional. I am afraid that the best people in my life, the ones I love and trust, will only love me if I believe the same as them. For me, love is not conditional. My friends and family that are involved with the church, I love, even if they believe something I don’t. I may have said this before, but I am happy when any person in life finds peace and happiness in their lives and beliefs. I am happy my parents find comfort in the church and its teachings. I am happy that my friends do too. I just hope that they can see it the same way (my parents that is) when I tell them what I do not believe.
So here’s to unconditional love from me, and the hope that that’s the kind of love I receive as well.
I lived a Lie for Too Long 