My Decision

So something happened to me that I would have never imagined would happen. The fear of what if was always there, but like most people my age, I thought I was invincible to the evils of the world. I was sexually assaulted last week. I didn’t tell anyone for a few days, and the people that I first told were very supportive of my decision to not talk about it right now. But the more people that found out, the more pressure I was getting to do something about it.

I had originally decided that I was going to talk to my therapist and work through it there. I was not planning on reporting it, for many reasons, and I was good with my decision. However please do not think that this was an easy conclusion to come to. I thought long and hard about that night. I analyzed everything I could and should have done. I thought about every move I made, everything I said, trying to figure out if I somehow led him to believe I consented. I thought about conversations before, red flags I missed. There are so many things I would go back and change, or give a second thought to. But I can’t.

I have also thought about the possibility of him doing it again to someone else. If he does, it is not my fault per se, but I could have prevented it by turning him in. I do not know if he has done this before, because I thought he was my friend. I thought I knew him. But I obviously do not know what I thought I did. If this happens to someone else, am I responsible? Not for his actions no, but for not putting a stop to him before more women get hurt. Will I regret my decision? Will someone else have to understand the new things I understand? Like the guilt, the questioning of my own intelligence, can my intuition be trusted? Why didn’t I notice he was not drinking as well, why did I not see that it was a facade? Can I trust the people I know? So many questions, so much doubt, so many more what- ifs.

But ultimately the decision is mine. I have a hard time even talking about what happened, most victims do. I don’t know how to handle normal emotions, let alone ones of this caliber. The next few months are supposed to be about graduation and moving, and excitement, but if I report this, the next year or so of my life will only be about. i am scared of reporting it. I am scared of my life changing. I am scared that I am being forced to choose someone else’s decision.

This is mine to make. I want to make it myself, and I want people to understand, even if they disagree, that I am doing what is best for me.

You are welcome to comment as always, but please I am just trying to figure this out right now, I know my options, I know each choice will have a consequence.