Surprise

Some Light at the end of the tunnel. My biggest worry about leaving the church was never the feeling of emptiness. Since deciding to leave I have had some friends really support me in finding happiness. I have also made many new friends who are also leaving or have already left. The support has been there. My biggest worry has been how my parents will react or feel about me.
I should start by saying that, as much as I have felt that my parents have been a less than positive influence on my adult life, I do love them, and they are very intelligent and loving people. I just have not always felt that they understood me. Part of that, as I am realizing, is my fault. I have not been open with my parents. I have not tried to let them in, in fact, I have pushed them away often. Mostly because of the fear that they will not accept me as I am.

They proved that fear to be massively incorrect. I have been going to therapy for about 2 months now. And for awhile I was there to find some justification in my feelings. Which I have. But it is more about looking to the future now. It is about finding peace with who I am, and doing my best to always be that person. In doing this I have realized that I have not been the easiest person to love. I “pull into myself” as my mom has said to me many times. I have fought her on that because “I should know who I am, and what I do”. Being stubborn is not always the best. My therapist has not told me anything new, not at all, but the feeling of someone understanding everything I am saying, and telling me that what I feel is very real, is very honest, has really made it easier for me to listen. I am not sure if that makes much sense.

Now to how my parents proved that wrong: We were talking on the phone a couple days ago, and we some how started talking about The CES Letter. I had filled them in on some of what it said, and my mom said she wanted to do some research on it and she would call me back. I rolled my eyes and said okay, thinking “Here we go, she is gonna give me a Gospel Doctrine lesson” But when she called back I was surprised. She told me what she had found out about it, and she stated that she thinks it is a load of crap basically. However, what came next made me feel so at peace. She said “People in this world will find fault in anything if they look hard enough for it, but I choose to believe that everything surrounding Joseph Smith and the BOM is right in the foundation of it all.” What she went on to explain was that she believes that God made things questionable, to test the faith of those who choose to believe. That, if everything was completely revealed then there would be no need for faith, because it would just be fact. While I do not believe that to be true I saw what she meant. She chooses to believe that faith is the basis for her religion.

She then asked me what I believed. And when she did she didn’t seem to be trying to contest me, or find someway to shame me into believing her way, she seemed genuinely interested to know. So I told her, “I believe in God, because there has to be a higher power (in my opinion), but when it comes to religion, and the priesthood, and prophets (Oh my! lol) I don’t know that it is something I believe in”. I went on to explain that I believe in a spirituality with God not a religion. And she said that being an adult is the time to figure out what you believe and who you are. She also said that I need to live to be true to myself.

The phone call ended with a heartfelt “I love you” that we haven’t had in a long time. They listened, understood, and respected me. It was amazing. I did not outright tell them I am leaving the church, but the discussion opened up and I feel like I can finally talk to them. That is the important part and I love it.