Struggling

I started this blog in a happy and almost freeing mind set. It was to explain the life I had growing up Mormon, leaving the church, and life after. But I have been terrible about logging in and actually writing. Part of it has to do with I felt like every problem went away after I got married. Well the problems with leaving the church, at least.

My parents accepted me leaving the church, they relatively accepted me marrying a Nevermo. I moved to a new state and have been enjoying my second Saturdays. But this New Year has kinda sucked. And I feel like that is an understatement.

My Trans sister committed suicide in January. And I am struggling. I saw her a week prior. I talked to her 3 days prior. I am going to say this, and I know I shouldn’t think it, but I feel like it is all my fault. When we last talked, we talked about some heavy stuff. And I think everything that we talked about lead her to suicide. I should have realized I was making things worse for her. I also feel like I have not been allowed to grieve.

My family. They have always been a struggle for me to relate to. My sister was one of the few that I could get along with, and not even her most the time. I know people tend to fudge the truth a little about their relationships with those that have passed, but honestly, I didn’t talk to my sister for most of the time I was in college. We just started hanging out when I moved back to our home state. But we got closer again. The rest of my family, not so much. My siblings were not accepting of her being trans, most of them at least. My parents were not either. Like they will tell you “oh we never stopped loving him” but they never accepted HER. And I think right now I am pissed that everyone is using masculine pronouns, and the name they gave him. I just don’t know how I am supposed to grieve my sister, who I started to get close to, when I am constantly being told “The old ________ is back”. It is fucked up. Because he hasn’t been here ever, and she will never be here again.

I don’t know what happens after this life, but I hope that TSCC was completely wrong because my sister deserves to be happy as the person she chose to be. I think the biggest struggle right now is that I do not know what to do. I don’t know if i still need to cry, if I am angry, or if I will ever be happy again. I can’t act like I didn’t know she was depressed. I can’t act like I don’t understand. Since she died, I have thought about suicide so much. And with not being able to feel happy, I had a break down and my husband almost took me to the hospital. He probably should still. Because even writing this I feel like It would be easier to just be……. gone.

I feel like I have no reason to be here. With my parents being upset about me being called instead of them, not being able to just be happy, even around my husband, seeing only flaws in my appearance and personality, I just cant seem to shake the thoughts that leaving this life behind would be what is best for everyone.

I dont want to disappoint every one in my life, but I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to get better, and I don’t know if I want to. I think I just want to get this life over with. I know my husband loves me, but I think he would be so much better off with me gone. My guess is that after I am gone he will be sad for a bit, but will be okay, and perfectly fine soon after. My parents would be thrilled to not have to deal with me. And I have never brought any benefit to my siblings. I am alone. My husband is always there, but I feel like such a disappointment to him. My family would move on quickly, My husband would find someone perfect for him, because I know I sure as hell am not.

I’m not sure why I wanted to make this post, I think I just had to admit my thoughts and feelings. I haven’t made up my mind on what I am going to do, and I don’t think other people’s opinions will help me make up my mind. Either way, I will get help, or just not be able to care anymore.

To be continued I think……